Stage Manager Jokes

There's a ton of jokes out there for Stage Managers

--here are some the best of them.

 
Main Page  Back to main page
  Examine his Resume
Biography   To his Biography and Photo
Things Never Said in the Theatre

BY THE PRODUCER:
- Of course there's enough money to go around.
- We have money left over.
- No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DIRECTOR:
- Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they?
- No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later.
- I think the scene changes are too fast.
- Of course I think that we'll be ready in time for opening.
- The crew? Why they're just wonderful!
- No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE STAGE MANAGER:
- It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
- Take your time getting back from break.
- We've been ready for hours.
- No, I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on.
- The headsets are working perfectly.
- The orchestra has no complaints.
- The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
- That didn't take long.
- No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE DESIGNERS:
- Of course all of my drawings were turned in on time.
- Yes, it absolutely is my fault that the set looks awful.
- You know, you might have a point there.
- The director knows best, obviously I wasn't giving him what he wanted.
- We have too many gel colors in stock, I can't choose.
- The shop will have the costumes ready on time.
- No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE TECHNICAL DIRECTOR:
- This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen.
- We built it right the first time.
- No problem, I'll deal with that right away.
- I love designers.
- No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE ACTOR:
- Don't...Let's not talk about me.
- I really think my big scene should be cut.
- This costume is SO comfortable.
- I love my shoes.
- No problem, I can do that for myself.
- I have a fantastic agent.
- Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
- I'm sure someone told me there was a wall there, I just forgot.
- Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them.
- No thanks, I don't drink.

BY THE STAGE CREW:
- There's room for that over here.
- We'll get in early tomorrow to do it.
- No, no. I'm sure that is our job.
- Anything I can do to help?
- All the tools are carefully locked away.
- Can we do that scene change again please?
- It's a marvelous show.
- I don't need this many on the crew.
- No thanks, I don't drink.
 
 

Stage Management 10 Commandments

I. Thou shalt not take the stage manager in vain, for without him/her, no spike tape will be placed, nor will cues be given on time.

II. Thou shalt take all notes in pencil, for as surely as the winds blow, so shall the director change his/her mind.

III. Keep reverence for the first performance, for afterwards thou shalt party.

IV. Honor thy costume designer, for in being rude, thine costume will become like that of a porcupine.

V. Thou shalt not talk to crew or actors when backstage, for surely both will miss the cue.

VI. Thou shalt not walk in the direct path of moving scenery, for surely you shall be crushed.

VII. Thou shalt always return thy prop to the proper prop table after its use, or thy prop will not be there for thy next performance.

VIII. Thou shalt not go on stage after "half-hour" has been called and the
House has been opened, for surely the audience will see thee before thy time. Likewise, thou shalt reserve thyself from returning to the stage until the House is clear, but instead go to the Lobby to see thy friends.

IX. Thou shalt make haste to be in place when "Places" has been called, for surely the stage manager will tear about in fury till you are there.

X. Thou shalt not miss thy cue or take it before its time.
 
 

Stage Manager 1.0

Dear Sirs;

Last year I upgraded from Community Theater 5.0 to Small Professional Theater 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes. It installed something called Microsoft Stagemanager (TM)
which it launches whenever rehearsal software is powered up, severely limiting access to munchies, praise,
and practical joke applications that operated flawlessly under Community Theater 5.0. No mention of this
phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Stage Manager 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Hamming 2.0, Smoking in
costume 7.5, Coming and Going at will 5.6, Unlimited Comps 8.3 and Borrowing Theater's Equipment 2.3 and
installs new, undesirable programs such as Schedule 3.1, Discipline 1.3,
Expectations 5.0, and Accountability 2.4. Divafit 4.1 no longer runs at all, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run Whining 14.1. I've tried running Attitude 5.3 to fix Stage Manager 1.0, but
this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please ?!!!!

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem many actors complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Community Theater 5.0 to Small Professional Theater 1.0 with no idea that Community Theater 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package for actors.

However, Small Professional Theater 1.0 is a performance OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible, eliminating unnecessary routines and delegating as many tasks as it can to the end user in order to conserve all system resources for its own use. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the Stage Manager files from the system, once installed, as Stage Manager 1.0 rewrites your other software so that it
rejects Community Theater 5.0 routines once exposed to SM's superior methods.

Having Stage Manager 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section of the owners manual regarding General Director Faults (GDFs). This is a wonderful feature of Stage Manager 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Stage Manager 1.0 will take on ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause, and will somehow solve EVERYTHING. To activate this great feature
enter the command C:\ DIRECTOR\ SCATTERED DREAMER-SENSITIVE ARTIST\CAN'T FUNCTION WITHOUT
YOU

Sometimes ActorsRIdiots 6.0 or higher must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Stage Manager 1.0 should then run the applications Organize 12.3 and Miracles 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GDFs, and ultimately you may have to give a C:\APOLOGIZE\RAISE\PERSONAL DAY command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Stage Manager 1.0
to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, ArtSearch 6.0. GrumpySilence 2.5 is a very bad program that can create Disfunctional.acting files that clog all rehearsal and performance programs and are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GDFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the entertainment applications Community Theater 5.0 ran.

After several years of use, Stage Manager 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1 and Ensemble Loyalty 4.2.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install any version of MeddlesomAdministrator. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. StageManager 1.0 will run only CurtGoingThrutheMotions and CovertArtSearch until MeddlesomeAdministrator is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Small Professional Theater 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years.

Tech Support
 
 

You Know You've Been In The Theatre Too Much When...

  •       Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
  •       "Q" is not just a letter.
  •       You feel lucky when you get a two-day weekend instead of a three-day weekend
  •       You're off when everyone else is working
  •       You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
  •       You say "break a leg" to friends en route to job interviews or weddings rather than "good luck."
  •       You can only read from a light that is blue.
  •       You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
  •       You can't remember what daylight looks like.
  •       You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without your Maglite,  Leatherman and Gerber.
  •       95% of your wardrobe is black
  •       You watch the Super Bowl waiting for intermission, not half-time
  •       You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went smoothly
  •       You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop
  •       You know anything can be fixed with gaffe tape, Mor-tite, sculpt-er-coast, a sharpie, tie-line and a safety pin.
  •       Your diet consists of fast food or microwave food.
  •       Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaffe tape.
  •       Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left hand instead of your right
  •       You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway
  •       You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er."
  •       People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
  •       Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the drive through.
  •       You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on "Chicago Hope"
  •       "Practical" and "flat" are nouns.
  •       Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're exiting
  •       At home, you "strike" the dishes in your kitchen
  •       If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like, "Half hour 'til half hour."


    • The Perfect Blackout
    An old stage manager appeared at the Pearly Gates. As a reward for years of patience, discretion, and
    endeavour, St. Peter granted him a single wish.
    "I've never seen a perfect blackout - can that be arranged?" he asked.
    St. Peter snapped his fingers, and the darkness descended. there was not a hint of spill from worklights or
    prompt corner. There was total silence, not a whisper, not a footstep, not a pin drop - just complete
    silence and total darkness. It lasted 18 seconds.
    When the lights came up again, St. Peter was gone and the Pearly Gates had been struck.
     
     

    Theatrical Structure:

    Producer-
    Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
    Is more powerful than a locomotive.
    Is faster than a speeding bullet.
    Walks on water.
    Gives policy to God.

    Director-
    Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
    Is more powerful than a switch engine.
    Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
    Walks on water if the sea is calm.
    Talks with God.

    Playwright-
    Leaps short buildings with a running start.
    Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
    Is faster than a speeding BB.
    Swims well.
    Is occasionally addressed by God.

    Actor-
    Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings.
    Is run over by locomotives.
    Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
    Dog paddles.
    Talks to animals.

    Chorus Member-
    Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
    Says "Look at the choo-choo."
    Wets himself with a water pistol.
    Plays in mud puddles.
    Mumbles to himself.

    Stage Manager-
    Lifts buildings and walks under them.
    Kicks locomotives off the track.
    Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them.
    Freezes water with a single glance.
    *IS* God.
     
     

    Stress Reduction Technique for Stage Managers:

    Sit quietly and inhale deeply and slowly through your nose. Exhale slowly. Picture yourself near a stream.
    Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this
    secret place. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is
    clear. You breathe deeply.

    You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the
    person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up ... just for
    a quick breath ... then ploop! ... back under they go.

    Allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

    There now ... feeling better?
     
     

    Stage Manager Vocabulary: all you really need to know.

    14. Places!
    13. Who's cell phone is that?
    12. Just in case I'm hit by a bus...
    11. Aaaand we're on a fifteen.
    10. Of course I have a ______ .
    9. Do you need an ice pack?
    8. That's a design choice, you'll have to ask _______.
    7. Warning.  Standby. Go.
    6. That clip light is shining right in my eyes.
    5. It's on my list.
    4. SHHH!!!
    3. Please.
    2. Thank you.
    1. Oh, !@%#@%# !!!!!