From: Plonq Subject: Furvey from hell (repost) Date: Wednesday, March 04, 1998 7:51 PM Be warned before you read any further: this is just a bit of humorous, self-depreciating fluff which also takes a couple of light (but affectionate) jabs at furriness. Plonq and the Furvey from Hell The little snow leopard is lost again - as usual. One would not know it from his demeanor, however, as he meanders the paths of the muck, hands clasped behind his back and tail twitching in time to his off-key humming. Today, as he's walking past a description-challenged brick building, a very large, brown bear morph steps out of a hitherto unseen alley and stops him cold in his tracks. "Would you like to participate in a confidential furvey?" asks the bear, holding up a ridiculously small clipboard and fountain pen. The ursine one is wearing a natty red jacket, with an embroidered "Furrymuck Demographics Limited" crest on the left breast. Plonq glances up from the crest and sees to his chagrin that the bear is already squinting and putting ticks on the form. "Damned thing is designed for a squirrel morph," growls the bear, who's having obvious trouble coping with the minuscule clipboard. "I got into work late today and had to take what I could get. Name?" Plonq sighs. It looks like he's going to be taking this furvey whether he wants to or not. "Plonq," he replies succinctly. "P-l-o-n-k..." says the bear, chewing his tongue in concentration as he writes out the tiny letters. "Q!" says the snow leopard quickly. "Q," echoes the bear, writing down another letter. "It's P-l-o-n-q," says the little morph, spelling it out carefully for the other fur. "Well make up your mind," growls the bear morph. He scribbles out one of the letters and makes another notation further down the form. "What kind of fur are you?" Plonq glances down at his gray fur with its large rosettes. He glances back at his long, luxuriant tail, and twitches his feline whiskers in mild disbelief. What planet is this bear from? "I'm a snow leopard," he replies flatly. The ursine morph snorts. "Aside from that," he grunts. "Are you a were?" The other morph blinks. "I think, therefor I fur," he says. Now it's the other morphs turn to blink. "It's a simple yes-or-no question," he prompts. "Are you a were?" "Um," says Plonq, wondering what he's missing. "Aware of what?" The great bear just shakes his head. "I'll put that as a 'no'," he sighs. "How about a lifestyler? Are you a lifestyler?" "A what?" asks Plonq. The bear nods sharply and makes a tick on the form. "If you don't know what it is, then you aren't one," he says. "Tell you what, buddy, I'll just mark you under the part where it says "doesn't understand question" and leave it at that." "Hrm," mewls the cat morph. He's not sure if he's entirely happy with that or not, but then he can't honestly say that he DID understand the question. "What's your sexual preference?" asks the bear. "Zoo, hetero, gay, bi or tri?" "Tri?" says Plonq in disbelief. "Maybe try later - when I'm off work," says the bear, gifting him with a saucy wink. He makes a tick on the form. "I - no! I mean... hey! What did you just tick there?" demands Plonq. He stretches up on his toes and tries to peer over the top of the clipboard. The bear nonchalantly cups a large paw over the little morph's head and pushes him back down again. "No peeking - didn't I tell you this was a confidential furvey? Don't force me to tear your tail off and jam it down your throat or something." "But I think you put a tick in the wrong box," says Plonq accusingly. "I think I want to change my answer or something." "Puh!" retorts the bear derisively, holding up his tiny fountain pen, "does this look like a pencil to you? Does this look like I can just erase your answer and put down a new one every time you have a change of heart? Look, buddy, maybe you should just be a bit more careful how you answer, eh?" "Well you're not giving me time to answer," says the little snow leopard petulantly. "I - hey!" Even as he's speaking, the other morph is ticking off more items on the form. "What's your sign, shoe size, eye color, favorite food, and are you some kind of loser?" says the bear, firing off a barrage of questions. "Leo, twelve, gray-green, hamster sandwiches and yes," answers Plonq, just glad to have some input into his own furvey. The bear hesitates. "Did you say 'yes'?" he asks. The other morph nods earnestly, and reaches into a breast pocket. "Here's my card," says Plonq, offering a business card to the ursine morph. The other tucks his clip-board under one arm and takes the proffered card. He holds it up to his snout and reads aloud, "Plonq: furry fanboy and looser." "Ack! It doesn't say 'looser', does it?" demands Plonq. He snatches the card away from the bear and examines it. Oh no - it DOES say "looser". Desperately he fishes out the rest of his cards and begins looking them over. Uh oh, they ALL say "looser". And he's been handing these things out to furs left and right. What will they all think about a fur who can't even spell "loser"? In his panicky state, the poor morph drops the handful of cards, which the agitated sweep of his great tail quickly scatters far and wide on the roadway. "Ack!" he says again, pouncing after the cards. Losing the attention of his subject is hardly enough to deter the furvey bear, who continues asking questions while the snow leopard runs hither and yon in a desperate attempt to scoop up all the errant cards. "Boxers or briefs?" asks the bear, and after waiting almost a full nanosecond for a reply, fills in an answer on behalf of the other morph. "A thong? You naughty little kitty! Favourite morph? Bears? I'm touched..." End Plonq http://www.icenter.net/~simba/fcos.html