From: Snowcat To: Subject: Dentistry Date: Saturday, March 28, 1998 11:29 PM I've been getting a lot of dental work done recently, and it inspired this following bit of fluff. This is a yet another little story that I originally posted to a.f.f, but thought that some of you might enjoy it. The Tooth Ache --- ----- ---- A visit to the dentist can be an exercise in trauma, for both patient and dentist. This is especially true when the patient is a wimp. Mind you, this particular wimp had very sharp teeth - one of which ached *just* enough to override his innate fear of dentists. "So, Mister Plonq, I understand you have something of a tooth ache?" prompted Dr. Hopps, guiding the little snow leopard to the waiting chair. The dentist was a rabbit morph, standing an impressive six feet tall, with at least two-hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle. Plonq nodded earnestly - after he'd overcome his initial shock of meeting the dentist - and pointed to the side of his muzzle. "It hurts," he said. "And when did it first start to hurt?" asked the dentist, pushing the little snow leopard into the recliner and swiveling the arm into place. "Last week," answered the cat morph. "I was eating a Jalapeno Gerbil Munchie on Monday and...." "Good grief!" thundered Dr. Hopps in exasperation. "Do you mean to tell me that you've had this problem since last Monday?" "Uh, no. Thursday," said Plonq. "Anyway, I was eating a Jalapeno Gerbil..." "Whoa! Hang on now," interrupted the dentist. "If the tooth didn't start hurting until Thursday, then what does the Jalapeno Gerbil Munchie you ate on Monday have to do anything?" The snow leopard paused to swallow back some of the drool that was forming and admitted, "I like Jalapeno Gerbils." The dentist sighed. He turned to the counter behind the cat morph and rooted noisily through a pile of metal implements. Presently he turned back, clutching a nasty-looking metal prod, laden with lots of twisted, pointy ends. "You know," he said thoughtfully, "during the Spaniel Inquisition, they used these things for torture. Now we use them for modern dental surgery. Is this a strange world we live in or what? Now open wide and... Mr. Plonq, I just had those chair arms reupholstered, and I would appreciate if you could avoid digging your claws into them. Here, let me have a look at that tooth." The rabbit swung the light around and began to tap and prod the snow leopard's teeth. He fanned with his other hand and made a face. "Phew! Your breath! Did you brush today?" "Uh huh," said Plonq, beginning to nod emphatically and almost getting a metal probe through the tongue for his efforts. "I mean did you brush your TEETH today?" clarified the dentist. "Ur..." "You should really brush daily. Your teeth are going to rot right out of your head at this rate. Now does this hurt?" The cat morph demurred. "Okay," said the dentist, probing another tooth. "How about this? No? Okay, how about this?" "RROWR!" "Very good," nodded the rabbit, making a note on the snow leopard's chart. "Now that we know your pain threshold, we can administer the right amount of Novocaine. Stuff costs a lot of money you know." He reached for his latex gloves and called out to the front office, "Hey! Can I get some help in here?" "THUD!" went Plonq, landing in the chair again, bits of ceiling tile still clinging to his clenched finger and toe claws. Moments later, a busty dental-assistant vixen bounced into the room. "Ah, there you are," said the dentist as he donned a metal gauntlet over his left hand. "I'm going to need a 2mm bit, and mix up a double batch of the new stuff." He regarded Plonq with gleaming eyes. "This is your lucky day kitty. We're experimenting with a new lead-mercury amalgamate filling material. They said it's too unstable, toxic and carcinogenic for this kind of use. They've banned it in most parts of the muck! They've said I'm MAD to be using this stuff! Do YOU think I'm mad?" "Ack!" said Plonq, struggling to rise out of the chair. "And it's WAY cheaper," added the dentist. "Oooh," said Plonq, settling back again. "Now just open wide," said the rabbit. The snow leopard complied, and the dentist jammed three fingers into his mouth. "Now you'll feel a little pinch. Don't look at the needle..." "Mr Plonq, you can't bite through my fingers - I'm wearing a metal gauntlet. I told you not to look at the needle." Feline eyes, dilated to the size of dinner plates, followed the syringe's every move with all the intensity that one might think would be reserved for tracking a venomous snake. Reflected in their glassy surface, the needle looked large enough to tranquilize an elephant morph. "You're behaving like a cub, Mr. Plonq," said Hopps, with more than a touch of rebuke in his rabbit voice. "First, *please* stop digging your claws in to the new upholstery! Good. Now open unclamp your jaw and let's get on with this." "Uh uh." The dentist sighed. "Look," he said reasonably, "as I see it, you've got two choices here. If you unclamp your maw then we can complete this exercise with a moderate amount of pain and a modicum of dignity. On the other paw, if you keep acting like this, well let's just say that they don't give out degrees in furry dentistry without teaching you a few tricks." The snow leopard remained stubbornly set, though his eyes rolled up to regard the dentist, then back to the needle, then back to the dentist again - apparently debating over whether the rabbit was bluffing. "Right," said Hopps firmly. He put the needle back down in the tray and waved to his foxy assistant. "Fetch me the muscle relaxant and jaws of life." Plonq, ever resourceful in the face of adversity, decided to exercise an option that the dentist had not foreseen. "Oh look, he's fainted," said the fox morph. "Good," said the dentist, extracting his mailed hand from the slack jaw, "that'll save us the Novocaine. Hand me the drill before he wakes up..." Plonq awoke to a strange metallic taste in his mouth, and a tooth ache that was mercifully absent. At first he thought he'd awakened in heaven, then he realized it was just the dentist's assistant leaning over him with a clip board and pen. "Welcome back," she bubbled. "If you'll just sign this release first, then I'll take you out to registration where we can deal with your bill." "Release?" said the snow leopard morph, taking the pen shakily and scribbling something that could be charitably described as a signature on the dotted line. "Just a formality," said the assistant. "Oh, and on the off-chance that you should experience any trouble with the tooth - you know, hair loss, bleeding gums, strange growths - just remember that you signed this release. Now if you'll follow me..." Later, as he was walking down the street, relishing the lack of a tooth ache, it suddenly occurred to the snow leopard that he'd been ripped off. "Ack!" he exclaimed indignantly, "They never even gave me a lollipop!" * Plonq