Tools and their uses


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
wheel.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a
hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

 

 

44 Ways To Dump Your Bike

1 Putting your foot into a hole when stopping.
2 Putting your foot down on something slippery when stopping.
3 Locking the front wheel during overenthusiastic braking.
4 Missing the driveway and sliding on the grass.
5 Not putting the kickstand down when getting off.
6 Make a turn from stop in gravel or sand at high throttle.
7 Not putting a board ('foot')under the kickstand on asphalt on a hot day.
8 Letting overenthusiastic people sit on your bike who have never been on a bike.
9 Forgetting the bike's in gear when you jump on the kickstarter.
10 Revving the engine, releasing clutch, and putting feet on pegs when the light turns green, but the bike's in neutral.
11 Not putting your foot down when stopping at red light.
12 Losing balance when putting it on the centerstand.
13 Take an hour ride in 0 degree weather with no gloves, stop at a stop sign and pop the clutch when you start because you've lost feeling in your hands.
14 Putting your foot down at a toll booth on the thick layer of grease that builds up when cars stop.
15 Using too much power when you pull out of a greasy toll booth.
16 Ignoring the sand that builds up in the spring at the side of the road (in places where roads are sanded and salted in winter.)
17 Kicking your kickstand in a cool fashion and having it bounce back up instead of staying down.
18 Getting off your bike while it is running and forgetting that is in gear.
19 Trying to kickstart your first bike over and over because you didn't realize that it was really out of fuel, and getting the goofy metal ring on the side of your boot caught in the kickstarter, causing you (and the bike) to go over on the right side.
20 Having your boot/jeans catch the gear-lever and putting your running bike into first gear whilst reaching for the side-stand (which is why I now automatically pull in the clutch whenever deploying or retracting the stand.)
21 Revving bike in impressive squidly fashion at red light, thinking it's in neutral; dropping clutch and standing in place while bike wheelies and backflips into intersection.
22 Having your fat-ass brother (as a pillion) lean waaay over to the side to look at something on the ground while at a stop sign.
23 Wife gets foot caught on saddlebag while getting on before you.
24 Bald tires, and a smatter of rain.
25 Neither you nor your dad watching while he's backing his car up to the woodpile to unload wood.
26 Trying to hold the bike upright before deploying the center stand only to find your knees are too weak from riding.
27 After getting fuel at gas station and holding the bike level with your legs in order to fill it completely, jumping off forgetting that your legs were holding it upright not the kickstand.
28 Getting your boot/ shoelace caught on the gearshift. (I wear laceless boots now.)
29 Getting pissed off for dropping it in the first place, yanking it vigorously off the ground, only to have it drop to the _other_ side.
30 Backing your bike down a plank, by yourself, from the bed of a pickup truck. Works great as long as you remember that once you start moving, stopping for any correction is out of the question. Get two people to stand on each side of you and the bike.
31 Being too short for the bike you're riding, and coming to a stop sign.
32 Your rider hops on before you are ready.
33 Park pointing downhill, don't leave it in gear.
34 Pulling into Dairy Queen and slipping on a spilt chocolate malt.
35 Sitting on your bike on an inclined driveway talking to a very pretty girl, forgetting where in the hell your mind is and then noticing that it's already too close to the ground to stop.
36 Running into a bus after a 120mph+ high speed chase where there is helicopter pursuit and you are being taped by 5 local news stations.
37 Covering it with a windsail (aka canvas cover) and letting the wind push it over.
38 Discovering when you stop and try to put your foot down that the kickstart lever is up your pantleg.
39 While pushing your bike in an attempt to start it by compression, jumping on side-saddle with excessive vigor.
40 Forgetting to remove the disc lock and taking off from the curb with haste...Tends to break the front caliper, too.
41 Falling asleep.
42 Trying to get a wasp or bee out of your jacket while sitting on the bike
43 Put armor all on your tires to make them look nice and pretty and then ride on the white safety lane line as you take a HARD right turn at 35mph.
44 Throw a party and get together with a random girl on your bike in the garage while extremely drunk.

112 Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

And some reasons why that is untrue from some woosy guys and starry eyed romantic girls!

If a man walks out into the forest and speaks ...
          
... and there is no woman there to hear him
     
...... is he still wrong?

 

Hmm...ok, to be fair motorcycles can be better than men also. Here are some reasons:

 

The following is 50 reasons why women can be as good as, or better than, motorcycles:

  

1)  A good woman maintains herself.
2)  A good woman can help you get more motorcycles.
3)  After a good ride a woman will kiss you.
4)  A woman is easier to carry over the threshold.
5)  Both can improve with a few miles.
6)  Both can make you feel better with a good ride.
7)  Most places don't require you wear a helmet when riding a woman.
8)  Both respond to loving attention.
9)  A woman can love you back.
10) Both can leave you cold, stranded and broke.
11) Women are warm even when not running.
12) Women can be fun in any kind of weather.
13) Leather goes well with both.
14) Holding on too tight to either one will cause you problems.
15) When you're too tired a woman can take you for a ride. 
16) A good woman can pay for her own accessories.
17) You should be a skilled expert before attempting internal modifications to either one.
18) Both can hurt you if you misuse them.
19) Even the best motorcycle can't bring you chicken soup when you have a cold.
20) It's more dangerous to let your motorcycle take you home after a few beers.  
21) A motorcycle can only take you to the beer, a woman can bring the beer to you.  
22) The beauty of a woman is more than skin deep.
23) With either, you get what you pay for.
24) Women come in more varieties than motorcycles.
25) A motorcycle won't remember you when you're gone.
26) Both come in models that may exceed your abilities.
27) It's hard to keep up with the fastest kinds of either one.
28) With either you can still have a good time going slow.
29) Both can cause your heart to pound, and make you sweat and shake.
30) Spending too much time thinking about either one qualifies as an obsession.
31) Both can provide years of good times.
32) Life is more interesting with either one.
33) Your parents may disapprove of either. 
34) Both can help you go places.
35) When a woman tips over she can usually pick herself back up.
36) Both will take you through plenty of twists and turns.
37) The best riders are smooth with both.
38) When a woman is leaking she will usually stop on her own.
39) A woman's clutch never wears out.
40) A good woman performs well with just one ring.
41) Both can break chains under the right conditions.
42) You have a problem when either blows a fuse.
43) A woman's high beams are automatic.
44) You don't need rain gear when riding a woman in the wet.
45) With either there's no substitute for good riding skills.
46) Women are better after they're 20 years old.
47) It's more fun to tickle a woman.
48) Riding a motorcycle inside the house tears up the carpets.
49) Both are a challenge to master.
50) I can't live without either one.

 

Motorcycles can't: