JESUS IS WATCHINGA burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you"! He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jsus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh? Who are you anyway?" "Moses", replied the bird. "Moses!" laughed the burglar. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus!" |
DEFENSE HARDWARE WARRANTY CARDThe following was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Co. website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. Unfortunately, the company, of course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately. (In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military aircraft). Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ............................................... Initial: ........ Last Name: ............................................... Password: .............................. (max 8 char) Code Name: ............................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...................... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19...... / ...... / ...... 4. Serial Number: .............................................. 5. Please check where this product was purchased: 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
you have just purchased: 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
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that apply:) 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? 12. Your occupation: 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
on a regular basis: Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION |
A MESSAGE RECEIVED FROM AUSTRALIAI am in almost terminal shock at the revelation by the Republican Party that a politician lied to the public. And it was such an important lie. So much more important than Jack Kennedy's firm statement that the USA was not involved in the Bay of Pigs invasion, So much more important than Dwight Eisenhower's denial that U-2 spy planes were passing over Russia, So much more important than Linden Johnson's statement that a US ship had been attacked by a North Vietnamese torpedo boat, So much more important than Richard Nixon's denial of any involvement with the Watergate burglary, and more important than Ronald Reagan's lies about Iran Contra. All of that is trivia. The Republicans have nailed Clinton on something that really matters: a sex act! An act that threatens the national security of the United States of America. I always thought a gentleman was supposed to lie about such things. Surely you wonder what impression all this is creating in other countries. The whole thing has been summed up by a letter-to-the-editor in Australia. In a letter to the Sidney Morning Herald, a writer nailed it in one line: Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans. |
TECH SUPPORT NIGHTMARES:A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ********** Tech Support:"OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" ********** Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ********** I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ********** Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?" ********** I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ********** Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ********** Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-" Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click] ********** Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work." Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" ********** Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry.It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me.I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved. ********** I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?" ********** A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it. ********** And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her. ********** Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?" ********** An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong. Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide. Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?" Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized." Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?" Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'" Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?" Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?" ********** For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class. ********** This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." ********** My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!" |
JOB APPLICATIONThis is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food
establishment........and they hired him! |
GENIEAn older woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around. The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down arond her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the felines place stood a tall dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders and a soccer players tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly - Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered? |
MEDICAL RECORDSA collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. The skin was moist and dry. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. She is numb from her toes down. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress. Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. |
REVIVALAfter the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" |
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KIDS IN CHURCHThe preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" ********************************* A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" |
INCIDENT WHILE USING A HAND-HELD RADAR DEVICE ON SPEEDING MOTORISTSThe following appeared in the Berwickshire Gazette : Two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an incident while using a hand-held radar device on speeding motorists on the A1 road last May. One of the unnamed officers was surprised to find the radar telling him that a vehicle he had targeted was doing more than 300 mph! The radar then seized up. The device had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea and it was revealed the officers had had a lucky escape. It seems the aricraft's tactical computer detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, and automatically armed an air-to-ground missile to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily, the Dutch pilot was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched!..............Pity. |
RESUME BLOOPERS Life is funnier than fiction. From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine: "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." |
EXAMS AT CAMBRIDGEHere is a story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale. Proctor: Sorry, no. Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale. At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale". Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination. |
EUROENGLISHThe European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replacerd with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU |
ARE COMPUTERS MALE OR FEMALE?A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil," she described, would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine--"la" maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender (la) because:
The group of women; however, concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:
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TODDLER PROPERTY LAWS
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THE BIBLE MISUNDERSTOODThe statements found below are said to be written by students and be their actual recountings of what they understand to be in the Bible. They appeared in the 12/31/95 issue of National Review. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. Lot's wife as a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night." "The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles." "Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments." "The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery." "Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him." "David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines." "When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta." "When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head." "Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, `a man doth not live by sweat alone.' It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance." "The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels." "One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan." "St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony." "What sunshine is to flowers, Smiles are to humanity." |
LIPSTICK PROBLEMTrue Story? Paul Harvey says it is. Good Day. A principal of a small middle school had a Problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. After applying lipstick in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints [purportedly practicing the perfect pucker]. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together who wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was to remove the waxey lipstick, and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated... He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. |
A MODERN EPISTLEDearly beloved in the Lord. I am writing to you from St Martha's residential home for retired apostles situated by the Mediterranean. Greetings to all the members of your church, (even to the slightly creepy bachelors who hang around after the service hoping to chat up young women as you all drink weak coffee and eat dry biscuits). As I sit here on the beach, listening to the lapping of the waves and the drunken chanting of British pilgrims, I have had cause to reflect on how this Christian faith has developed and I am slightly concerns with a few features of church life. For example, our Lord said that where 2 or 3 believers are gathered, he would be there. He did not say that where 2 or 3 believers are gathered they must play 3 chord choruses over and over again on acoustic guitars in the musical style of a spaced out 1970's folk singer who has drunk a gallon of syrup! Nor are nylon golfing jumpers, sandals and beards compulsory, (that applies to men and women). Church does not have to be a gathering of the Synthetic Fibres Association. When I said all foods are holy and acceptable, I did not mean that you have to have soggy quiche and cherry aide every time you meet. And as for this obsession with folk dancing, it seems that you think Jesus said he had come in order that you might have life - and have it in a barn dance! Concerning worship, my instruction that it should be disciplined was not an order for you all to screw your eyes shut, put your hands in the air and wear an expression that you are constipated. The fragrance of many exposed armpits is not necessarily pleasing to the Lord. The most important issue I wish to raise is that of relationships between men and women. I have looked through the Old Testament and now realise I have underestimated the strength of character of some of the women we find there. For example, there was Jael about who was written, "Most blessed of women be Jaelą.Sisera asked for water, she gave him milk, she reached out her hand seized the tent peg,, her right hand seized the workman's mallet. She hammered Sisera, she crushed his head, she pierced his temple and shattered it. Now there was a woman who knew how to get inside a mans head. And this also may explain why men have been reluctant to go camping ever since. There have of course been disobedient women such as Lot's wife, that when they ran away from Sodom they were told not to look back. Lot's wife did and she was turned into a pillar of salt. Women have not looked back since. Other women include Delilah. She was a hairdresser. Whilst Samson was having a kip, she cut off his hair and he lost all his strength. Men have hated going bald since! But friends, to understand how relationships should be between the sexes we need to go back to the very beginning. I was greatly blessed when God recently gave me a vision. In this vision I saw Adam sitting in the Garden of Eden. I saw God hoping backwards - he was certainly moving in a mysterious way. God saw Adam and said, "are you alright?" "I suppose so" said Adam, "after all, I am in paradise", but God sensed that there was something a foot that was not twelve inches. "What is it Adam, what's wrong?" "Well", said Adam, "I do not wish to sound ungrateful, it's just I feel a bit lonely". "No problem" said the almighty. "I will make you a partner. She will be fantastic. She will be beautiful, she will be funny, she will like football, she will not mind you going out drinking with the gorillas. She will be so clever, she will be able to navigate in a car and will not shave her legs with your razor. She will laugh at your jokes and will know just what you want before you even ask. However, she will cost you. You will have to give me an arm, a leg, a testicle and your back teeth." Adam thought for a minute, and then he spoke. "What do I get for just a rib?" Later on in the vision I again saw Adam. Eve had been created and Adam wanted to know how to relate to her. "Relax" said God, "just go and talk to her." Adam went away for a while and then came back. "That was nice" he said, "but is there anything else?" The Lord replied "You could try holding hands". Adam went away. When he came back he said how holding hands had been nice but was there anything else? "Well, why don't you give her a little kiss and a nice hug." A little later Adam returned saying "kissing was very nice. But was there more, something to make me feel complete?" So the father instructed Adam on how to be a truly loving husband. Two minutes later Adam returned, "Lord" he said "What's a headache?" So friends I must finish this epistle as it is time for the Apostles football match. The Baptists, who get showered before the game, are playing the Catholics who use ornate set pieces and lots if crosses. Before I go I would like to wish any newly weds, or those who are getting married, an Old Testament blessing: May you have the patience of Job, the Wisdom of Solomon and the children of Israel. Love from Paul. |
SUCCESS:At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants. |
A SIGN POSTED IN THE CLUB HOUSE AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE...
Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off! |