How to make best use of a Christian Singles Web Site

My experience of using a Christian singles Internet site for finding a soul mate was a good one. Looking back, I really enjoyed myself. Not only did I find my wife to be, but I also made a some good friends. Using a particular site regularly for three months, I picked up some useful tips about Internet dating which I would like to pass onto you.

Internet dating sites tend to be quite similar. However, you should be aware that some are secular businesses who are trying to attract business from Christians. They may not be as sensitive to Christian values as those web sites that are owned and run by Christian organisations with a genuine concern to help Christians find a suitable life partner.

How these web sites work

Here is an example of how a Christian dating web site may work. When you join, you are asked to fill in a multiple choice questionnaire. This will give you free access to the site for a few days. If you supply a scanned in photo, you get a bit longer. After the trial period, you then have the option to join, for which you must pay a small fee using a credit card.

You will be encouraged to fill in an essay questionnaire, but this is optional. Once you are on-line, you can browse anyone's profile. You can run searches using the multiple choice questionnaire to pick up on all the people who have answered the questionnaire in a particular way. So for example, you can search for all the people who have answered that: God is most important to them AND they live in Canada AND are between the ages 20 and 30. Having got the results of a search, one can then read the profiles. Having found someone you want to write to, you can send a message to their mail box. This is completely anonymous, so the other person will not know your email address unless you let them have it. You can also prevent people from sending a message to your mail box if you so wish. So, it is a relatively safe way of meeting people.

Give yourself wholehearted to the site

My recommendation to anyone using a Christian dating web site is to do so whole heartedly. For good results, give it the time it deserves. You need

• time to make a good profile
• time to run searches for people you want to meet
• time to correspond with people you contact
• time to build on those contacts

I would say, set aside a season to make this your prime spare time occupation and then give it your best. I know more than one person who said they didn't give the site the time it deserved, and were of course, disappointed. It's true, what you put in to it is very probably what you will get out of it.

Do a good job on your profile

The number of people who didn't bother filling in their essay questionnaire on the web site I used was very high. This could have been because they were spectators, but hadn't plucked up enough courage to get involved. I understand that attitude, and wanting to keep anonymous, but it sure ain't going to find you that special someone! I would imagine that my attitude to this was typical in that if I ran a search and found someone who had not bothered to fill in the essay questionnaire, I never bothered following through on it. You can't tell much about someone simply by reading what boxes they had checked in the multiple choice questionnaires. They are useful however, for running searches.

Those who did fill in their essay questionnaire, often did so as if they were sitting an exam. By that I mean, they filled in all the questions, and gave truthful answers with the aim of passing the exam. Seems stupid, as there is no exam to pass. I recommend using the essay questionnaire to so impress the reader, that they would like to meet you. You need to put yourself in the position of the reader. Below I have written down a couple of typical essay questions which have been answered by imaginary person A and B. Ask yourself, who would you prefer to meet?

- Person A's questionnaire

• List some of your favourite quotes
  • John 3 v16
  • Rev. 2 v20
• What artists do you like?
  • Van Gough, Picasso

- Person B's questionnaire

• List some of your favourite quotes
  • Winston Churchill once said "Britain and America are two countries separated by a common language".
  • In the writing of books there is no end, and much study wearies the body - Ecc 12 v12
• What artists do you like?
  • My six year old niece called Charlotte who coloured in a picture of some dinosaurs as a way of saying thank you for a birthday present I sent her.

I would think you would answer, "The one with the sense of humour". I printed out several profiles to read over Christmas whilst I was away from my computer. I used a highlighter to mark the things that impressed me. I liked it when I saw that someone had used their imagination and creativity in order to effectively communicate themselves.

Let's look at another example:

Question: Describe the man you would like to meet?
A's answer: Someone who is kind, thoughtful and considerate.
B's answer: Someone who loved orphans, and wanted to live and work among them, perhaps abroad.

My thought is, what woman wouldn't be looking for the characteristics that woman A is looking for? Wouldn't it be better to answer the question in a way that would distinguish you from other people, as in woman B's answer?

Another pointer to help attract people to your profile is to supply a photograph. When I used the system, I tended to look first at the profiles with photographs. I think most people would do the same, so there!

Aim at friendship

I went in with the attitude of:

"To contemplate marriage with someone I don't really know is absolutely ridiculous. It can all become too heavy. I would like to enlarge my circle of friends and really enjoy using this web site. I'm sure it will be a life enriching experience. Out of these friendships may appear one special person, which would be really nice, but let God sort that one out. "

God did sort it out with me, for which I am very grateful. I put this quote in my profile, and it impressed Pat, my wife to be. I must confess, I wished some people I was corresponding with had had the same attitude; it would have made life so much more relaxed and easy.

I would be open about the fact that I was corresponding with others, so as not to put pressure on the people I was corresponding with or to give them unnecessarily high expectations.

Another thing concerning friendships, is to send lots of messages. The more messages you send, the more likely you are to receive messages from others. It would be a mistake to wait until the "right" profile turned up, and then decide you were going to marry that person. That would most probably be the last you would hear from them.

I'm not the world's best letter writer, so what I did to save time and effort was to write a longish newsy email and send it to one of my friends. I would then use the same letter as a template to write to others. Of course I would edit bits here and there, so as to personalize it for the individual I was writing to.

Be careful

Unfortunately, there are horror stories about people who been deceived by some creep. There was a lady who got engaged to a guy without even meeting him. When she did meet him, she discovered he was engaged to 3 other ladies at the same time. There are other stories, but let's not dwell on them or you might become suspicious of everyone who uses Internet dating web sites. Here are some suggestions:

• Report anyone who abuses the system to the webmaster. If you don't, someone else may well suffer.
• Don't give your email away until you know something about the person you are writing to. If you are unsure whether to give your email away, let them have your alternative "free" email. Also be careful who you give your address and telephone number to. I noticed that a number of women had put their email addresses on their profiles which I thought was unwise.
• Find someone who can vouch for you. When Pat's family discovered that she had met me on this Christian chat line, they were naturally concerned. It so happened a certain well known evangelical Christian knew me, and I said to Pat that he would vouch for me. A short exchange of emails between one of Pat's family and this well known evangelical put everyone's mind at rest.
• Remember that the Internet is only an initial point of contact. Don't allow any contact you have to go beyond the friendship stage, until you really know them. Pat and my relationship rapidly developed from an email contact into a telephone relationship. It was only after four months of one hour phone calls twice a week across the Atlantic, that we decided that we would meet. In that time, we had talked a great deal and got to know each other quite well without being distracted by each other's physical appearance! Even then, I had contingency plans if things did not work out.

Be courteous to everyone you have dealings with

It is so easy to hurt people in this sort of environment and to get hurt oneself. How do you handle a situation where by you do not want to correspond with someone who would really like correspond with you?

I remember viewing the picture of a beautiful girl from California and thinking to myself that I would like to correspond with her. I also thought pragmatically that many other guys would be lining up to do the same. I figured that with her looks, she could easily find someone close at hand, so I didn't think I had much of a chance. When I checked back a few days after writing to her, sure enough she had deleted my note to her without writing back. Even though I knew this could happen, it didn't exactly boost my ego. On another occasion, I wrote to another American girl, who sweetly thanked me for the letter, but went on to say that England was too far. I had no problems in handling that at all.

I always wrote back to people who wrote to me, thanking them for their letter. If I didn't want to correspond with them, I would usually say I was already corresponding with more people than I could manage, and I wished them well in finding someone who would correspond with them. Oh that we could learn how to say difficult things to people without them feeling rejected.

What perhaps is even more difficult is when someone you have been writing to, suddenly stops writing. You then ask yourself what you have done wrong to cause this. It's difficult not to feel hurt. In that position, I would examine myself, and ask God to search my heart and if nothing came to mind, I would try to shrug my shoulders and let the incident pass. It would be very much easier though for the other party to write and say that circumstances had changed and that writing had become more difficult, and that they couldn't write as often as they would have liked.

If you discover that the person you are corresponding with has behavioural difficulties and most probably would have experienced a lot of rejection already, I would definitely talk it through with a friend, and pray for the person and what you should do in these circumstances. Whatever the circumstances, be courteous with everyone you have dealings with.

Have fun!

I said earlier, I had great fun on this venture. It really was a life enriching experience meeting new people, making new friends and finding the girl of my dreams. It changed my life in more ways than one! I wish you the same success.

Links to Christian Internet Dating Web sites

Here is a list of various Christian Internet Dating sites. Please send me your comments and make me aware of any broken links, etc. Thanks.

1. AdamMeetEve Christian Singles Dating - Personal ads for Christian singles. Includes chat, dating and romance advice from Pastor Jim.
2. Apostolic Friends - Personal ads for apostolic pentecostal singles. Approval of application and written testimony are required.
3. Ave Maria Single Catholics - Personals ads for practicing Catholics. Includes "Ask Father" forum for questions regarding faith or morals, answered by a board of spiritual advisors.
4. Catholic Introductions - Matchmaking service for Catholic singles. Application required, then telephone interview. Staff members choose possible matches.
5. Catholic Mingle - Personal ads for Catholic singles.
6. Catholic Singles - Personal ads for Catholic singles. Includes chat, special events.
7. ChristianCafe.com Connecting Christian Singles Online! Single? Where are you heading after church? Drop by ChristianCafe.com, a relaxed, friendly, informal online destination for thousands of single Christians. Featuring chat, and a FREE trial. Open Sundays. Come visit us. Coffee's on! (Toronto based)
8. Christian Connection - Personal ads for Christians of all denominations in the UK and Ireland who are interested in friendship and dating. Includes discussion boards, events listing.
9. Christian Connection Network - Personal ads for Christian singles seeking romance or penpals. All services free but donations suggested.
10. Christian Date - Personal ads for Christians. Profiles and photos reviewed by staff. All services free.
11. Christian Date for Two - Cdate.us is a Christian dating online community created specifically for Christian singles looking for romance or marriage. Cdate.us is more than just a Christian dating site. We have Christian personals, dating forums, personals, chat, ads, articles and more. This is a Christian Dating and Christian Singles Network: Here you can find singles that share your values of faith. Here other Christian singles can and will help you in your search for friendship, dating and love. You will find chat rooms and other great features.
12. Christian Dating Club - Christian correspondence dating service.
13. Christian Dating Search - Listings of various Christian and secular dating sites.
14. Christian Friendship Fellowship New Zealand - Friendship organization for Christian singles in New Zealand. Emphasis is on friendship, but use of site for dating is also welcomed. Snail mail registration.
15. Christian Hearts - Personal ads for Christians. Members can anonymously play online games with potential matches. Includes chat.
16. A Christian Single Mingle - Personal ads for Christian singles.(USA based but for anyone in the world)
17. Christian Singles Commitments - formerly Christian Registry for singles - to provide to Christian Singles worldwide the tools and latest technologies to find and meet each other with an intention of making a future commitment prior to dating. (world wide based in California)
18. Christian Singles & Dating - Personal ads for single christian men and women.
19. Christian Singles at CrossDaily.com - Directory of dating and matchmaking sites for Christian singles.
20. Christian Singles Dating - Personal ads for Christian singles. Includes chat, voice profiles, events listings, articles, Christian help resources.
21. Christian Singles International - Premier International meeting place for seeking friendship, fellowship, and companionship with those of like mind and interests.
22. Christian Singles Match - Personal ads for Christian singles. Includes news, Bible study tools, devotionals.
23. ChristianSingle Web - Dating service for Christian singles. Preliminary profile is created online, then phone interview and orientation required. Personality inventory and professional photograph included in membership.
24. ChristiansUK.com : Christian Dating Service - Christian dating service for single Christians.Browse profiles, upload photos, record video profiles. Use the chat-room and member forum. Premium introduction service available.
25. Confidential Christian Introductions is a Christian introductory service in Southern California, catering to Christian singles.CCI also hosts events for Christian singles. Such as retreats, cruises, dinners and dances.
26. Christian Single - A Christian Singles magazine
27. Equally Yoked - Online club and nationwide member centers for Christian singles.
28. For A Lifetime - Introduction service for Christian singles. Fees for mutually accepted introductions, based upon personals. Features "Ask Sharon" and local events.
29. Fusion 101 - Personal ads for Christian singles. Includes chat, relationship guide, events listing.
30. King's Singles Christian Dating Club - Personal ads for Christians, including entrance exam to discourage nonbelievers.
31. Meet Christian Singles - Personal ads for Christian singles who believe the Bible is without error. All services free.
32. Messianic Connections - Shalom and welcome to Messianic Connections, a website for Messianic Jewish Singles, Messianic Gentiles, and Christians for Israel who love the Holy Land.
33. New Day (British) - a telephone introduction service
34. The Network (British) - holidays, week-ends and day events for single Christians and an introduction service.
35. Positively Single - Articles of interest to single Christians who would like to be married.
36. Real Christian Singles - For Christian singles looking for relationships, penpals, dating, and personals.
37. Saint Rita's Young Singles - Events and activities for young Catholic singles in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.
38. Shining Star Singles - Personal ads for Christian singles of many denominations. Includes chat, voice profiles, video profiles.
39. Single Christians Only - Personal ads for Christian singles seeking marriage. Includes chat.
40. A Single Christians Network (USA) was founded in 1991, and today is one of the largest computerized introductory service designed exclusively for Christians. - Personal ads for Christians. Includes, chat, discussion forums, movie reviews, newsletter.
41. SinglesOfFaith.com : Christian Dating Service - Dating services allows Christian singles to browse the personals to find their perfect match, and the chat rooms provide a place to mingle with like-minded singles.
42. Singlesaints - Personal ads for LDS singles ages 18 to 39. Includes message board.
43. Spirit Christian Singles - Personal ads for Christian singles interested in personal growth and a healthy lifestyle.
44. St. Raphael - Online meeting place for Catholic singles, whether seeking a spouse or seeking support for single life. Includes prayers and devotions section, community forum.
45. UltimateSingles.com - Christian introduction/dating service based in Dallas, Texas.