*Divided*
Part 3 - Distractions

Reality is a strange subject to contemplate. It's all around us, in 
what we see and what we do everyday. Yet still, we worry about whether 
or not we should believe in it because reality, for the most part, 
always seems so surreal.

I often wonder what life would have been like if I'd never awoken as a 
senshi. Would my world have gone untouched by the ravages of greed and 
power? Would my mind have been more focused upon my own future rather 
than worrying over others? Perhaps. But if fate had never brought me 
into the battle, would I have been happier? I still wonder about that, 
but am still not sure of the answer. At the time, I wasn't expecting to 
ever know.

My head was in the clouds for the better part of the day after I talked 
with Norrie-sensei. My teachers scolded me for doodling on my papers 
when I should have been taking notes like the others. I didn't stop, 
however. Even when the margins were completely filled, I simply turned 
the page and continued where I left off. If I missed anything important 
Sanae would tell me later, I knew. Sometimes having a rival as a friend 
wasn't such a bad thing.

The days following passed by quicker than they should have. It really 
is a pity that 'time flies when you're having fun.' It should be the 
opposite, in my opinion, but I can't change that. No one can - not even 
those in charge. Yet another reason to live for the moment.

Before long, I found myself in a familiar locker room preparing for the 
yearly swim meet. We all managed to share the space with relative ease, 
mildly telling jokes and fooling around. The day was starting out 
eventful, with the seating in the venue filled to capacity - mostly 
with parents and siblings. Even though my own were not in the crowd, I 
smiled despite myself. I didn't need them anyway. I was surrounded by 
my teammates, all patting me on the back and wishing me well. I 
wouldn't have asked for anything more at that moment. I was content. 

But while fixing my hair in front of the mirror, an odd feeling struck 
me. I couldn't put my finger on it as to what it was - a sense of 
foreboding, if anything. I shook it off, thinking of more important 
matters. I held my head high as I walked out into the pool area, and 
soon after took my starting position. Every practice had lead up to 
that race, and I knew I wouldn't let everyone down. I couldn't. 
Unfortunately, it seems fate always has a different plan for your life 
than the one you prepared yourself.

At the sound of a man's yell, I dove into the water, breathing hard. I 
struggled to cast my emotions aside as I swam, but that nagging feeling 
continued to cling to the back of my mind. I could hear the people in 
the stands yelling out, and my team shouting so loudly I almost lost 
concentration. They showed unconditional belief in my ability, yet even 
I retained my fears and doubts. It was not possible for someone to live 
up to their highest expectations. Or if that could happen, only on a 
fluke.

Water violently rose into the air as my legs kicked and my arms 
propelled me forward. Every few seconds my head submerged under the 
surface, only to leave when I needed a necessary breath. Even then, the 
number was far fewer than the average I took in a non-competitive 
practice. It was because my front stroke that day was strong, people 
told me later, and my body moved with an assurance I had rarely shown 
beforehand.

As I reached the other end of the pool, I pushed forward fast enough 
to take the lead. The distance to the finish was inching closer, but 
it was always too far to reach. The closer I came, the farther away it 
seemed to my blinking eyes. I could hear the other competitors close 
behind me, catching up. I forced my body to its limit; my heart 
pounding at a speed I could never equal. The cheers in the building 
were becoming louder and louder...

But then everything ended in a deafening silence.

I didn't understand what was happening; the world around me had 
changed in an instant. The water in the pool writhed in its container, 
taking on a life of its own. All around me it moved, thick to the 
touch. No longer clear, it had turned the colour of rich, red blood. It 
rose far above my head, crashing in waves. My mind shut down as the 
darkness threatened to suffocate me. It was everywhere, leaving 
destruction in its wake. I could only watch as the spectators were 
engulfed. I wanted to warn them, scream at them, to get away, but they 
seemed unable to. When the waves reached their horrified faces they did 
not move. They did not make a sound. They were frozen to the spot, 
inanimate statues rather than the living, breathing humans they were. 
Their bodies crumbled like stone when the waves destroyed them. Yet 
still, I could not hear the cries.

As everything came down around me, I remained where I was. The sky was 
now above me, as black as ink. There were no stars to pray to anymore, 
I realized. They, too, had been washed away. 

As vast as the ocean, the blood spread. I tried to scream as something 
pulled me under the surface, clawing at my leg and holding on. I did 
not doubt the cold hands around my ankle belonged to Death, claiming 
me. Traveling deeper, the blood stained everything; my lips, my hair, 
my skin. I feared I would drown as it submerged me, a liquid so dark 
that light could not penetrate to where I was. I was choking - 
struggling to hold onto the remaining seconds that were being torn from 
my grasp. Opening my eyes, the only things I could see were three 
points of light that were burning into the surrounding black. But even 
they faded into the darkness as my body spasmed. I opened my eyes for 
the second time.

From that point on, I wondered what had been imagined and what had been 
real. In the reality I woken up to, the one I knew, I found myself 
again underwater. I surfaced, my lungs burning as if I had been holding 
my breath for ages. I was startled to see the race continuing around me, 
and the girls in the other lanes ahead by mere inches. Seemingly, no 
more than a few seconds had passed from when my experience, for lack of 
a better word, had begun. Nothing in this reality had changed. My chest 
heaving, I swam the short distance to the finish and supported myself 
against the edge of the pool. I almost wanted to cry. It were those 
seconds that had cost me; I came in sixth overall.

My sense of sound rushing back, and the applause in the building was 
not for me. I looked over to see another girl in a stylish maroon 
swimsuit being handed a medal and being congratulated. My teammates, 
who had once been so enthusiastic, only mumbled politely as I climbed 
out of the water. My hands shook as I took an offered towel. As 
bothered as I was with losing, flashes of the silent presage replayed 
in my head. With every person who passed by, I would remember seeing 
the waves crash down, sending them to oblivion. Images of the hell I 
had visited simply would not cease. I sat down, leaning against a tiled 
wall. I tried to avoid closing my eyes. Once I did, the images would 
haunt me relentlessly. I was fearful of the night to come.

I cast my gaze downward as I felt someone standing over me. My thoughts 
were still jumbled, even as the announcer called the swimmers for the 
next race. I saw one of the other team members dive into the water, 
wanting to succeed where I had failed. Normally, I would have been the 
first one to urge them on, but I was quiet that day and sitting on the 
side. I couldn't explain myself to anyone at that moment. I was 
confused, my mind in a haze of guilt and pity. But even so, that person 
standing over me would not step away.

"Congratulations," Saito-sensei said softly, his voice not at all 
disappointed or mocking. He knew I had heard him, but I didn't dare 
look him in the eyes. If there was anyone that I had personally let 
down, it was him.

"As kind as that is, I don't deserve it," I replied, pulling my legs in 
closer to my body. I hugged myself as he put his hand on my shoulder.

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, Miru." I smiled weakly at his 
use of my nickname, but it was wiped away a second later. "You did the 
best you could out there."

I wanted to contradict him, but I never let the words form. I knew I 
couldn't easily justify my reasons, let alone make them seem plausible. 
Nothing that happened made sense yet, if indeed it had happened at all. 
I needed more time to sort my problems out without help. If I couldn't 
even understand myself, the chances of someone else doing so were out 
of the question.

He sat down beside me, not caring if his clothing got wet. I would have 
objected if I had the will, but that wouldn't have made him change his 
mind. For a few moments we were silent, merely observers to the world 
around us. I rested my chin on the tops of my knees, my trembling form 
trying to steady itself. We made an odd sight; a coach sitting next to 
his student, as if we were equals. It was nice of him to stay, and I 
felt mildly comforted by his presence. He should have been directing 
the others on where to go and what to do, but instead he was there with 
me. Yet again, I didn't feel deserving of his kindness. 

At that moment more than ever, he felt like a father to me. A father 
who stood by me during my defeats and wouldn't abandon me. I never 
realized how much I longed for someone like that, to replace the man 
who had left my mother and I. Saito-sensei is a person I won't forget, 
never in a million years, because he was there beside me when I needed 
someone the most. I thought all that over while water pooled around my 
toes.

And so the season ended, unspectacular in every way. For the next few 
nights I barely slept a wink. The darkness in my room was haunting, 
even outside of the dreams. When I came to school with unsightly 
circles under my eyes, the teachers feared I had developed problems at 
home. After my second visit to the nurse's office for exhaustion, even 
I had begun to wonder about insomnia. But it wasn't simply a matter of 
whether or not I could sleep. Even when I did manage to lull myself 
into comfort, I would wake up moments later from nightmares. Every 
night they became more real. Towering waves leveled homes and destroyed 
whole cities. The storm clouds above were thundering and ominous, 
lighted from within by a mysterious energy. And through it all, the 
sights were silent. The only thing I could hear were the sounds of my 
own screams when I woke up.

My marks in school gradually lowered, as I fell deeper into the abyss 
that was my mind. I suffered alone; through the nights, through the 
days. My problems couldn't be fixed by a mere trip to the doctor, or 
so people advised me to think. I kept my mind and my thoughts bottled 
up, hoping to save them for a person who would truly understand. My 
heart, however, I had learned to express beforehand. The musings of an 
artist always contain a degree of self-anguish, no matter what the 
medium.

In the hours I spent alone in my bedroom, I painted what I dared not 
confess. With each brushstroke, I confronted my reality. They weren't 
just dreams, just premonitions, anymore. I could reach out and touch 
them, the paint cool and wet like the tides. The final project is a 
piece I called "End of the World." With its completion, and my newfound 
understanding of the world I had envisioned, the dreams evolved. Not 
only could I participate, but I could prevent the silence from ever 
crashing down.

It was a startling revelation when I discovered that fact. It was more 
coincidence, but I had a feeling that it was meant to be. One night I 
fell asleep, determined to endure the nightmares. Whatever will happen, 
I thought, will happen for a reason. 

The dream started the way it always did, with the water gaining a 
consciousness. As if it knew of the destruction its movements caused, 
my favourite people and places were the first to go. Sanae; Yuriko; 
the school; the park. I flinched when I saw them submerge, but 
clenched my fists to keep from running towards them. At this point, my 
emotions had usually gotten the better of me. I couldn't let that 
happen again. To stop the nightmare, I had to turn a blind eye and 
freeze my heart. As painful as it was, I told myself over and over 
again that sacrifices must be made. For the good of the rest of the 
world, if not myself.

The sky turned pitch black above the landscape, like someone had just 
turned off a lamp. I shivered as a wind picked up from behind me, 
blowing my hair and delicate white dress in all directions. It was as 
calm as death as the water rose up and formed a wall in my path, 
leaving nowhere to run to as it crashed down on the crown of my head. I 
could feel the sticky liquid all around me, coating my skin and the 
clothes clinging to my body. As I was pulled down, traveling down faster 
than my lungs could handle, I opened my eyes and could see the same 
three points of light. They were always a constant in the dreams, 
watching in line. With determination that I had not shown before, I 
reached out to them, even meaning to grab one they were so close. I was 
not successful, but as they faded from view the light in the middle 
broke out of the formation. It sped towards me and through my body. In 
the darkness, I began to glow a soft aqua light.

I thrashed in the water, my arms cutting through the thick substance it 
had turned into. The light I was emitting grew brighter as I fought my 
way back up to the surface. My forehead burned with energy, and I 
screamed one last time. The area was lit brilliantly, canceling out the 
nothingness that surrounded me. I was left floating in the air, with 
the stars and planets around me. The light died down, but I could still 
feel the warmth it filled me with. And there, in the middle of space, I 
fell into an untroubled sleep.

The next morning I was almost disturbed to find myself under my covers. 
The expensive quilt I had bought myself for winter wasn't tangled 
around me or on the floor - it was even and in its place. I looked out 
my window, expecting to see twilight and the stars still out, but I was 
let down again; the sun was rising. I yawned and rashly decided to skip 
school that day.

Despite getting nearly a full night's rest, I was tired when the sun 
reached its position at high noon. The sky was light overhead as I 
walked slowly over to the park, and sat down beneath a tall tree. I 
was significantly happier now that I had survived the dream, yet still 
dismayed at the new developments that had come up. The first being that 
I had been bathed in light, and the second that being alone in outer 
space seemed more natural than the life I was leading now.

A gust of wind teased the hem of my skirt, but I was too deep in 
concentration to notice. A whole new series of images began to play in 
my head, but this time I wasn't afraid. I remembered small, 
insignificant things, like watching the sun rise from behind the moon, 
and the dark, marble halls of a castle. I remembered what it felt like 
to stare out into space and know there were allies nearby, and that 
they depended on me as much as I did them. But most of all, I knew what 
it felt like to be isolated, yet not feel alone. That was definitely 
not something I had experienced in this life.. so when had I 
experienced it? Where?

I did nothing else but close my eyes and ask myself questions for 
hours on end. If I recovered memories that were not my own, did that 
make me a fraud? Who was I, this person who could remember a time when 
both my feet were not upon the Earth? Everyone called me Kaioh Michiru; 
I called myself a girl who was a mystery to her own mind. But despite 
my thoughts being foreign, my body felt familiar all the same.

Wandering home at twilight, I didn't want to keep my weary eyes open. 
When I walked through the door of my house, only a maid greeted me and 
took my coat. My mother had gone off somewhere again, without so much 
as a note or leaving message on the answering machine. I climbed up a 
winding staircase and went to bed.

My head hit the pillow and I was out like a light. Behind my eyes, the 
scenarios played out in the same order as they had the previous night, 
only at the end I was dressed in a uniform I had only seen thus far in 
my dreams. The light that burned within me formed a suit that wrapped 
around my uneasy form and hugged my curves. A tiara was placed on my 
forehead, with my hair not daring to cover it. My fingers unknowingly 
tried to grasp an item that wasn't there, but should have been. Even 
though I could not touch it, I saw the fading shape of a mirror in 
front of me. It felt as though it was an extension of my body, and 
missing it was causing my eyes to water. Its shape dissolved into a 
ball of light in the sky, and beside it were its two companions. I 
knew then that the other lights represented two other people who were 
also incomplete. They were the people in this world I could relate to 
more than anyone else, and all I had to do was find them.

As the lights gently faded into the background of a star field, a 
chilling wind blew past my ear. By all logic, even if I was trapped 
inside a fleeting dream, there should be no wind in the vacuum of 
space. Then, softly, I heard a voice. It belonged to a person I did 
not recognize, and hadn't heard speak in thousands of years. Because 
of that, it occurred to me that there was no logic in this universe.

"Three talismans..." I heard, as I looked out into the vastness of the 
solar system. No one else could be seen in front of me, but what 
remained were the three points of light - all connected to individuals 
in the world where I lived. "Awaken.."

The short skirt on the uniform was still spinning, and I could feel my 
heart getting hot.

"..Talismans," I repeated, feeling my eyes shutting. "My talisman is.."

Hearing another, louder sound, I woke up in my bed the next morning. 
My pale hands were clutching the sheets of my bed - trying to grip 
anything that was real. My alarm clock had forced me out of my dream, 
and it was all I could do to throw it to the ground. I squeezed my eyes 
shut in frustration, trying to regain my final thoughts before I had 
woken up. My talisman.. I couldn't grasp what revelation I had been 
building up to. Throwing my head in my hands, I let myself go and cried 
for all the unanswered questions running havoc in my life. I cried for 
all the memories I could not recover. I cried for my sense of belonging, 
and losing it once I was back in my body. But most of all, I cried 
because I couldn't face another day not understanding my world.

I took a walk through Minato-ku that morning, trying to decide if I 
should make the right decision and go to school. My shoes dragged upon 
the pavement of the sidewalks, and I could feel my senses numbing just 
as they had done before. My mind was overloading yet again and trying 
to protect itself. I shook my head roughly, knowing that I couldn't let 
that happen. If it did, the weeks following would be an utter waste. 

A few hours later I found myself in class, having gotten there on time 
after all. In art class I took out my sketchbook and tried to draw the 
uniform that I had been wearing in the dream. I didn't have green 
pencil crayon on hand, but I was handed chalk when I asked for the 
colour. I could feel someone looking over my shoulder, and he quietly 
remarked that what I had drawn looked like someone called "Sailor V." 
I closed my book and went on to my next class.

I got through the school day, albeit distracted and dizzy. When I got 
home, I dropped off my bag and then went for a long walk through the 
shopping district.

Only the occasional car sped down the road, to which I turned a blind 
eye. Coffee shops were scattered on every corner, and I could see 
people enjoying themselves with a warm mug in their pink hands. Turning 
away, I looked to the shop window on my right side, and glanced at a 
poster in the spotless window.

"Sailor V..?" I read, printed across the figure of a girl in a school 
uniform and red mask. Men with guns surrounded her threateningly, but 
she looked ready to take them all on in her costume.

I could feel a tingle in the back of my mind. This girl was not just 
in a video game, I recalled. She was a real person; Sailor suited 
solider: Sailor V. Fighting crime in a short skirt was something she 
did with skill and ease, making a reputation for herself in a city in 
need of an idol. There was a crescent moon on her forehead, I noted, 
and a faint sense of recognition returned. Shouldn't there be a 
tiara..?

Soon, another feeling hit me - strong, and square in the heart. It was 
the same sense of foreboding that had engulfed me at the pool, right 
before my final race. It came so fast it made me dizzy, and I tried to 
keep my balance as I turned around to run the way I had come. I ran 
home as fast I could, knowing something ominous was drawing me there. 

I tripped over my own feet when I threw open the heavy front door, my 
shoes tracking dirt on the cream coloured carpet. The fine china 
rattled as I sped past the oak cabinets in the living room. I heard a 
crash upstairs as my heart pounded in my chest, and I was breathing 
hard climbing the steps to the second level of my home. My muscles 
burned as pure adrenaline forced my body to its limits. 

My hair flew behind me as I heard my mother scream for the first time 
in my short life. It was frightening, to say the least, listening to 
the voice that so often berated me be filled with such terror. At that 
urgent moment, I couldn't imagine what was happening to her. My heart 
was beating a thousand times a minute when I heard another crash, but 
when I could see through the doorway to her bedroom, I froze. My heart 
nearly stopped all together.

Standing over my mother was some sort of monster, unlike any thing I 
had ever seen before. It was so radically different than anything 
portrayed in movies or described in books that I spent the next 
critical seconds just staring at the being. My mother was standing on 
shaking knees, trying to remember how to breathe, as the thing 
staggered towards her on green legs. She yanked the nearest object she 
could reach off a shelf - a vase my aunt had given her not long 
before - and threw it at the monster with all the strength she could 
find. Even as it shattered into thousands of glass splinters, the vase 
had no effect. Only beady eyes continue to stare back at her, with 
out-stretched, sharp claws pointed in her direction. With one movement 
the monster snaked out a hand and hit her trembling body - sending her 
across the room like a simple cloth doll.

I screamed then. My horrified cry was so loud it caused the thing to 
turn around and meet my glassy eyes. I tore my gaze away, and fell to 
my knees as I saw my mother crumple on the floor, not moving a muscle. 
Her dark hair was messy around her bruised face, hiding it from me. 

With unsteady balance, the monster disregarded my mother and took heavy 
steps towards my grief-stricken form. It crossed the room with a slow 
gait, but I couldn't even think to back away, or think of anything else 
but my poor mother - the mother I had rejected so many times before, 
and held so much resentment toward, who was now injured and sleeping on 
the ground. I was still sitting on the matted carpet as the thing had 
traveled close enough to raise a limb, and intended to strike me in a 
similar manner. With a delayed reaction, I raised my arm over my face 
and screamed louder once more.

It was at that moment that time stopped just for me.

When I did not feel any pain, or hear the monster shriek a battle cry, 
I looked past my shaking arm. The monster, that once seemed so large 
and otherworldly, was frozen in place. Its red, gleaming eyes held no 
spark of life, and its twisted mouth was open, fangs bared - yet it 
made no sound and dared not move. The monster was a still, inanimate 
object.

That was when I saw it; in front of me was a stick, shining with an 
inner light. It was floating in mid-air, and its handle was elaborately 
formed in the shape of a planet. My wide eyes were drawn to it, and I 
could feel the power it radiated. It was giving off pulses of energy, 
and burned in a soft aqua light. The stick seemed enchanting, calling 
out that it was made for me alone.

As soon as time seemed to twitch around the room, as if becoming unable 
to pause any longer, I fearfully reached out and wrapped my fingers 
around the stick. All the light and energy that had illuminated the 
room instead entered me, and I could feel myself being lifted into the 
air. 

The first wave that hit me was warm, like a tide coming in. As it 
flowed around my body I could feel the costume form around me. A 
sailor's collar blew in a humid wind as I raised my hands, which were 
now covered with tight, white gloves. I could feel ribbons bind my 
feet, securing me in a pair of heels which still had not touched the 
ground. My skin finally felt the sensation of being dipped in cool 
water as a tiara solidified above my closed eyes.

The second wave that rushed through my body gave me unbelievable 
strength. Starting at the top of my head and travelling down, it was 
only what I could describe as a tingling feeling. Through my veins and 
in my blood, I could sense long dormant magic awaken and claim my body 
until I became filled with it. With every heartbeat I could feel the 
magic spreading, ending in a spark at my fingertips. Once I could 
practically hear my mind humming with energy, I opened my hazy eyes and 
was lowered to the ground.

The monster moved its arms and legs in jerky motions, seemingly getting 
used to the flow of time. I narrowed my eyes, and took a stance in front 
of it.

"I carry the protection of the deep water star - the planet of the sea, 
Neptune," I recited with frightening clarity. "I am the soldier of 
embrace, Sailor Neptune." 

Without realizing fully what I was doing next, I raised my arms above 
my head and gathered a powerful ball of energy between my palms. 
Throwing it at the thing, the being disappeared with a terrible scream 
into a pile of ashes. The surplus of power in my body was gone.

Finally, without anything left to take care of, I dropped to my knees 
beside my mother and cradled her head in my lap. The room was in a 
state of disarray, with smashed vases and glass littering the floor. I 
ran my gloved hands through her tangled hair and cried at the 
situation. My tears hit her battered cheek, and she briefly opened her 
eyes to look at me. All the while, neither of us ever noticed I was 
still in uniform.

***********************************************************************

Standard Disclaimers: I don't own Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, 
including all the characters and basic plot lines. They belong to 
Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, TV Asahi, Toei, and many others. This fanfic 
is copyright MinaP Aino, July 2004.

Recommended Listening: Matsuri Uta - Megumi Hayashibara; Don't Let Me 
Down - Zwan; Spirit of This Place - CORE OF SOUL; Fantasy No.3 in C 
minor - Amadeus Mozart

- MinaP Aino (MinaP_Aino_hime@yahoo.com) 2:24 AM 7/22/04

http://www3.mb.sympatico.ca/~holig